Been crazy busy for the past like…week.
And out of no where too.
But, it’s been pretty fun.
Back to working with Lecanto’s percussion. Writing their drum book, and dealing with band camp.
Still working for the most incompetent man on the planet.
But…at least my birthday is in…a minute and a half.
So, sorry for the lack of posts…but it’ll change in a week.
I don’t think there is anything I can say that this song doesn’t say for me.
No matter how many years go by, it will more than likely never get any easier.
I feel that surrounding myself with close family today, my Mom’s side, will make today easier. And maybe it will. But it might just be a constant reminder that she’s not here anymore.
But to stew in this alone would be even worse.
I miss you Mom. More than I think anyone could realize.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I wonder if I’m meant for someone. Like full out meant for someone.
Like, there’s a girl out there who is meant to find me, and I’m meant to find them.
I wonder if I even believe that those kinds of relationships are even real.
My father talks about it when he mentions my mother. So, it’s a possibility.
But, am I meant to have one of those types of relationships?
9 years. At 8 tonight, it’ll be 9 years since I last saw my mother. Since I last hugged her, or held her hand
My last words to her were “I’ll be back in the morning Mom, I promise.”
She died at 5 the next morning, and I never got to say goodbye.
I said, I’ll be back…
And I know she wouldn’t have wanted me there when she went…but if there’s one thing I could go back and say…is how much I love her, and how much I’ll miss her.
I often imagine what I would do if God gave me an opportunity to go back in time somehow…and spend just a day with her. Just one day.
I’d bring my pad and sticks…or just steal the ones I used when I was 13…even though I’m pretty sure those had the nylon tips…because it was before I knew what a good stick was. Seriously though…off topic…Hardimons Nylon tips blow.
I’d bring some of my writing…some of my music…and just show her the person I’ve become.
And then I’d let her know everything that happened after she died…
How Dad got remarried, and how he finally had to go get his back looked at because it got worse…and how things are now. I’d tell her that I never got over her dying. And that I’ve found it basically impossible to not mourn her for at least three times a year.
She’d slap me…probably really hard too. She’d probably yell at me…but honestly…I’d love every second of it.
Then she’d also comment on how much of a bum I am, and that I better not still be at home when I’m 22. I’d laugh, nod my head and she’d know I was.
My mother was a strong woman. The strongest woman I’ve ever known. Mentally and physically. To put up with a disease that eats you from the inside out just to make sure everything is perfect before she goes…
It’s incredible to me.
I just miss her incredibly…and honestly…I don’t ever want this feeling to leave me. I know at this time of year it hurts, and on mothers day…or my birthday…or her birthday…but without this feeling, how could I ever be sure that it was real?
I’ll love my mother for the rest of my life, and I’ll never stop missing her…because she deserves that. She deserves to be remembered, and deserves to be memorialized.
Because she’s my mother. She’s the best woman I’ve ever known, and my inspiration to continue to fight, and never give up.
I got laid off from a job I actually started to like…thanks to the store going out of business, not because I was a bad employee. I was actually a model employee…just didn’t like talking to idiot customers. Because they are such assholes when you don’t have the movie they wanted to watch in.
Seriously…I’m SORRY we don’t have American Pies’ Naked Mile. But can I refer you to movies that DON’T suck?
The rest of 2011 was actually not THAT bad…but compared to what I wanted this year to be, and what I wanted to do in it…it’s a HUGE disappointment.
I mean…yeah, I had all the power in the world to change it, and I guess I should have done something about it. But I didn’t. So…hey, that’s my cross to bare.
I got a good new job at the newspaper where I write about local sports and get paid for it. Which is pretty awesome, considering I write about sports on my other blog (although not in a while…) and I do THAT for free. But I would love to spend more time writing about sports on my other blog if I actually had an audience to whom I was writing to.
I’ve had some ideas for short films that I’ve written, and done nothing with. I don’t know if it’s because I live where I live and there is nobody here to do that kind of stuff with…or if it’s because I’m so afraid of rejection and people hating it that I subconsciously avoid getting involved past the writing stage. I know I can write well, and that’s a given to me, but how I deal with people actually hating my short film is a complete mystery to me.
I spent the last two years of my life single. And not even trying to talk to anyone, because…well frankly…there’s not one girl that would be interested. Mainly because I’m broke almost all the time (such is the life of a Citrus County writer…) and also because I feel like I’m pretty unsightly. Does that upset me? Perhaps. But at the same time…my life is no where near being where I need it to be, so I know that having a girlfriend would only complicate things further. And it’s not even that I can offer a girl anything different. I’m a blithering man-baby who plays video games more often than I work (because seriously…it takes me an hour…TOPS to write a 500 word article, and get my 40 bucks for it.) and still live at home with my parents at 22. That’s not really the environment I think I would want to bring a girl home to.
But it would be nice.
I’ve had this huge, stressful feeling of foreshadowing this year. This very foreboding tension, that I can’t shake. It’s like everything that’s going on the world is getting ready to boil over and stain the stove. I don’t know why…and I don’t know when, but that feeling hasn’t left me since January. Like we’re building towards something…all of these politicians are working towards something…working to bring us to new heights. But what heights? What are we moving forward to? What are we building to? And it’s this uneasy feeling that I’ve had all year, that I’m sure will come to a head next year. Or at least I hope so. I hate this constant feeling that something bad is going to happen.
This isn’t a post saying I’m going out of 2011 with a bang and bringing in a new 2012 and I’m going to live large. Because that’s fucking retarded. And oddly, I pride myself on not being a retard.
So I guess this is more of a recap. Like a sports highlight show with all of the “best of” plays to show you what you missed.
This is actually EXACTLY like that. Damn I’m good at this writing business.
I don’t know what 2012 will bring…except that it’ll just pass as fast as 2011 did. My only resolution is that I’m not sitting where I’m sitting right now, while writing my 2012 recap.
Oh and that I lose 50 lbs by my birthday.
That would be tremendous. Then I can start training to make my debut in the UFC by 2013. It’s a hefty goal…but it’s a real one.
By the way…I’m kidding. I hate getting punched. Even in the arm…I cry like a little bitch.
Happy New Year followers, and may your new year bring you…whatever it is…you…wished…for.
That was cheesy. I realized it was half way through writing it, but I don’t want to delete it because I think it has some quirky kind of comedic effect.
Happy New Year everybody.
This is me…playing Rhythm X’s Inspired. My own transcription.
Yeah that’s right…I have no life. And I transcribe stuff that looks like fun.